I have a confession… I have never really felt ‘grown up’. As in a ‘real’ adult.
Always moving, travelling, making life decisions fluidly, changing careers, very little commitment, and very few possessions. I’m not afraid of staying put, I just love exploring, experiencing and expressing.
But this motherhood gig has me feeling my 33 years. Maybe it is just the constant lack of sleep, but maybe it is the sobering realisation every time I look at Narayan that he is 100% dependent on me.
Never before have I spent so much of the day being present, and aware. I think it is all the time I have been spending in the present which has made me feel like the adult I am.
And while I have found myself spending more time in the present moment, it hasn’t always been in the mindset of peacefulness. For the first month of Narayan’s life I worried about almost everything; was he getting enough milk, was he sleeping enough, was his eye opening properly… I was aware, but I was not peaceful.
While being present is a goal of meditation and yoga, that awareness needs to be with an energy of peacefulness. As the weeks passed, my hormones levelled out, and I gained confidence as a new mum, the worry faded and I found it easier to just be present and enjoy my son.
In moments where I catch myself starting to doubt and let fear take over, I remind myself that Narayan came from me. I created him and I will know what he needs… if I just trust myself.
It is easy to second guess, worry and let your mind take off on all sorts of journeys, but as yoga teaches us… everything will pass. Nothing is permanent and it is best not to attach to situations or invest too much emotion into potential outcomes. By practicing awareness as a mother you give space to your wise inner voice (intuition), instead of the chatter of worry and fear, which can often be much louder and more insistent.
Women have a strong natural intuition but we are often led to question it. Just as I instruct my students on their mats – by clearing the stuck energy in our bodies we make space for energy to flow, and in that space is where we find our intuition and guidance.
There is yoga in motherhood… And I can’t wait to keep exploring and experiencing it with my little family.