A blog from 2 years ago and another lifetime… but a lessons that is relevant to anyone, anytime.
In the early hours of this morning I had a moment that shifted a heavy weight I didn’t realise I was carrying. I also had the realisation that we are never free of fear.
This realisation all started as Narayan had his first fever this week and with it brought the normal emotional pangs of seeing your baby unwell. I slept less as I watched him sleep beside me, checking his temperature and sending him healing love.
But underneath that normal concern in me was a deeper fear, and at first I didn’t want to face it or think about it. I just wanted to care for Narayan and help him to feel better.
But on the second night as he and James slept and I was still awake in the dark and quiet that only comes at 3am, I realised I was going to have to deal with the shadow that kept trying to step into my consciousness.
And when I finally gave it permission to be heard, I was shocked. What my mind delivered was the photo of my fallopian tubes taken during my surgery two years ago. And with that awful flash I felt everything rush forward and my mind started spinning.
I was concerned for Narayan, but I was also scared that a simple fever could escalate and I could lose my miracle child. I just couldn’t.
It was in that moment that I was faced with a choice. I could allow my mind to run away with that fear and create a dialogue about whether or not I would be able to fall pregnant again… I could allow myself to drown in what ifs and emotion.
Or I could acknowledge the fear, and acknowledge the image from my surgery and all it could mean, then let it go and accept that I have no control on the situation.
I chose the second option and closed my eyes, curling up closer to Narayan and silently gave thanks for my family and our beautiful son. I chose to trust.
But that wouldn’t have always been the case.
One of the teachings of yoga which I found most challenging in the beginning, but have come to find comfort in, is that we are all destined for death and disease, and if we are lucky, old age. That is part of the nature of these human bodies; our souls however are eternal.
We cannot control our fates, and more importantly we cannot control the fate of others. One day Narayan will be a man and I will have no ability to protect him. He will make his own choices and I will have to just trust that what is meant to happen, will. Between now and then there will be more fevers, accidents and who knows what else.
They key to breaking free from the hold of fear is to do the BIG WORK now.
- Start a meditation and journaling practice
- Listen to those shameful and ‘silly’ fears you have been ignoring. Write them on a piece of paper, say I release you and burn them
- Let go of the pressure to be ‘together’ and allow yourself to cry and release what is pent up
- Practice letting go. Practice listening, but not conversing with those fears
- And remember… keep loving, trusting and accepting.
We are never free of fear, but if you do the work through meditation, yoga and journaling, you will no longer need to be afraid of what it has to show you.