It is not alluding you. It just doesn't look the same to everyone. It isn't grand, and it isn't constant.
It is a culmination of small moments that come together to settle gently in your heart, and your soul.
It is definitely not found while standing in a field or laughing as you drink a green smoothie.
Happiness is remembering to take care of you; remembering to get your eyebrows waxed, taking a long walk alone, reading, or spending 5 minutes every morning in meditation.
I have a confession… I have never really felt ‘grown up’. As in a ‘real’ adult.
Always moving, travelling, making life decisions fluidly, changing careers, very little commitment, and very few possessions. I’m not afraid of staying put, I just love exploring, experiencing and expressing.
But this motherhood gig has me feeling my 33 years. Maybe it is just the constant lack of sleep, but maybe it is the sobering realisation every time I look at Narayan that he is 100% dependent on me.
Never before have I spent so much of the day being present, and aware. I think it is all the time I have been spending in the present which has made me feel like the adult I am.
Sometimes you have to be removed from a situation to be able to see it clearly.
After almost a year in Seychelles, the distance has helped me realise how overwhelmed I was in Australia being told what I should feel was important on a daily basis. My time here has also made me appreciate how comfortable and easy life there is, and much of the struggle I ever experienced was internal.
In so many ways our time here has been like a life cleanse. We are not exposed to the constant flow of marketing on tv or in magazines. And in its absence I have come to realise how much noise it was creating in my mind. Here there is no pressure to be a certain way, wear particular clothes, style my hair, wear make up, or maintain a mask. I have the space to just be me, and do all those things when and how I feel like it because it is joyful, not a chore.
A blog from 2 years ago and another lifetime… but a lessons that is relevant to anyone, anytime.
In the early hours of this morning I had a moment that shifted a heavy weight I didn’t realise I was carrying. I also had the realisation that we are never free of fear.
This realisation all started as Narayan had his first fever this week and with it brought the normal emotional pangs of seeing your baby unwell. I slept less as I watched him sleep beside me, checking his temperature and sending him healing love.
But underneath that normal concern in me was a deeper fear, and at first I didn’t want to face it or think about it. I just wanted to care for Narayan and help him to feel better.
Every three months I share some of my learnings as a new mother. These are my musings on Narayan’s and my journey from 4 to 6 months…
It is a loveless task at first.
Those first three months are spent feeding, holding, caring for, and (even more) feeding a tiny human that isn’t aware of the greater world. It can feel loveless, even though you love them like crazy.
And then they learn to smile. And in time they smile at you or something you have done. And then one day they smile because it is you. That is when things shift.
Some days I feel like I am in a never ending cycle of laundry, sweeping the floor and washing up (and I hate washing up)… I manage to fit in a workout or yoga practice most days, as well as a short meditation, but lately I have noticed I can get into a mindset of hurrying when there really is no need to.
I usually notice I am living in this slightly frantic pace when doing something simple at an almost racing pace. And it is in those times I stop and practise these three techniques.
Going through some of my old journal entries and I found these musing on the first three months of motherhood in a new country. It was such an amazing time and I loved it, but there are also some parts i am happy to have passed!
This is also a little list of things I wish I had known.